Little House Adventures
by galloping-goose
Summary: A variety of fun and mayhem on the prairie one day. Includes favorites such as Barney and the Teletubbies! Mayhem ensues. If you want a good parady to keep you on the edge of your seat and laughing, look no further!
1. Chapter 1

**The Little House Adventures**

The sun shone down pleasantly upon the quaint little house as it sat silently in the middle of the prairie. Inside, the entire family lay snoring in their beds. They were sleeping so late that day, because Pa had grown tired of doing chores, so he'd sold all the animals. Now he had more time to make more children with Ma, and beat the children he already owned.

* * *

Outside, the Teletubbies frolicked with Jack, the brindled bulldog, in the long prairie grass. 

"Uh-Oh!" Cried Dipsy, who was washing in the portable shower, "I've dropped the soap!"

"I'll get it for you!" Tinky-Winky yelled. He dashed towards the shower in a flurry of feet.

* * *

Meanwhile, inside the house, Laura had awaken. Seeing that her parents and sisters were still asleep, she grew excited. Now she could finally bake that cake she'd been thinking about for a month. She gathered the ingredients and stoked the oven. Soon it would be Nellie Oleson's birthday, and Laura would have the best present for her ever; a homemade cake. For a moment, Laura was lost in thought about what she and Nellie might do after all the party guests left. She lost track of time and space for a minute, and only came to when she noticed something was dripping down her arm. The spoon with the boiling hot oil on it was tipped at an angle, and the oil seared her flesh. She screamed in surprise and pain. The only water nearby was outside, in the portable shower, so she dashed away quickly, praying to Allah that her Pa and Ma would not wake up, for Pa would surely beat her. 

"Um," Laura cleared her throat when she reached the shower, "Dipsy? Tinky-Winky? Could you do that elsewhere?"

Tinky-Winky and Dipsy broke from their lip-lock for two seconds so they could hustle away into the bushes. Laura sighed and turned the shower on, letting her arm be soothed by the calming water. Deciding she may as well have a shower while she was there; before Mary got up, Laura stripped down to her birthday suit and turned the force of the water a bit higher. She didn't want to turn it on too high. Her nipple was still sore from the peircing she had received three days ago, with Nellie Oleson. She poured shampoo into her hair and massaged it in. She began to soap up her body with the bar she found on the ground, and her thoughts turned to Nellie Oleson. How she loved that mean little blonde girl. With eyes so blue, and a body so curvaceous, so perfect. Laura's hand slipped lower on her body, and she left the soap on the shelf.

* * *

Inside the house, Mary awoke to the sound of load moans. 

"Pa! Ma!" She shouted, "Keep it down!"

The moans inside the house quieted, and Mary listened harder. There were more moans, coming from outside.

"Tinky-Winky! Dipsy!" Mary yelled, "Could you keep it down?"

Their moans died away, but still, there were moans coming from outside. Mary listened carefully, trying to distinguish whether it was a predator, or just Jack, the brindled bulldog, cleaning himself again.

Finally, Mary realized where the sexual sounds were coming from.

"It's just Laura again, guys," She said with a laugh, "We should be used to this now, she does it every morning!"

* * *

"I love you, you love me, we're a great big, happy family," Over the hills, not too far away, a large purple dinosaur skipped and sang. He was Pa's brother. Half-brother, really, after Pa's mother had an affair with a blue dinosaur named Spike. Pa's brother, Barney, obviously took after his father, except he had inherited his mother's purple hair, just as Pa had inherited her one giant eye.

The Teletubbies stopped what they were doing as soon as they spotted him. Even Tinky-Winky and Dipsy stopped in mid-thrust, with a grunt of pleasure.

Tinky-Winky grabbed his man-purse qiuckly, and pulled out four identical fold-up Uzis. There was no love-loss between Barney and the Teletubbies. They saw him as a prestigious prick, and he saw them for what they truly were: just animals on his brother's farm. Animals that had been sold, but refused to leave, though they belonged on the Oleson farm, with Mary-Kate and Ashley, nature's finest performing monkeys; whic had been given to Nellie Oleson last year, as a birthday present from Laura.

Barney stopped dead in his tracks. He'd been in a lot of bar fights, therefore, the four Uzi's didn't scare him. The nakedness of Tinky-Winky and Dipsy did, however, strike fear into his tiny purple heart. Barney saw, without surprise, that Tinky-Winky lived up to his name. _Poor Dipsy, _He thought to himself.

"Say hello to my little friend," Tinky-Winky said. Beside him, Dipsy burst into tears.

"I thought I was your one and only!" He cried, "Now you're flirting with the enemy, showing him your junk, and everything!" He ran off, leaving a stream of tears in his wake.

"No, honey! Come back! I'm sorry my Honey Bunches of Sugared Oats! I love you!" Tinky-Winky hurried after Dipsy, and only two Teletubbies were left.

"Now say hello to _my_ little friend," Barney instructed. He pulled a machine gun from his suitcase, and within seconds, Po and Lala were dead. Barney skipped up to the house, bypassing the shower, where Laura was screeching and holding on to the walls for support while her weak legs shook under her in pure ecstasy. He ran up the steps to the house, heading to his favorite spot in the world, Baby Carrie's bedroom. The toddler awoke immedietly, and tried to cry out, but Barney was too fast for her. He slipped a piece of duct tape over her mouth, sealing off her fear, and lowered her to the floor. He undid his pants quickly, and lifted her nightgown to her chest.

* * *

Ten minutes later, a very satisfied purple dinosaur lay back and lit a cigarette. 

"Get out of here, Bill!" Barney yelled at his other brother, "Why do you have to do everything I want to do? I'm telling Mama Leela that you ruined my fun, and had sex with the baby before I could!"

"Just take your turn with her and get it over with! There's half-finished cake downstairs, and I'm hungry!"

"Then go eat it," Barney said.

"No," Bill whined, "I want to watch."

"Fine," Barney grumbled. He wished the day would come soon when Bill would stop desiring to watch everytime Barney had sex with his cousins. On the bright side, at least Barney got a chance this time, it was only rarely that Bill didn't insist on being the only one who got to experience the baby. Which led to many hours of Barney being alone, with only his hand to comfort him.

* * *

Just as Barney was about tostick his large purple member insideBaby Carrie, the door burst down, and Billie Joe Armstrong entered, carrying a machete. 

"Get off of that baby!" He yelled in fury. With two swings of his machete, both Barney and Bill's heads were lying on the floor. He drug them downstairs to the trash compactor, and shoved them in, grinding them to a pulp. He then returned to Baby Carrie's room, with Jack, the brindled bulldog on his heels. he placed the baby in her bed, and gently removed the duct tape from her mouth.

"Sleep well, little angel," He murmed as he closed the door softly.

**THE END**

A/N: Well, I set out to create the most disturbing storyline ever, with the most random characters ever. I think I've accomplished that. What do you think?


	2. Epilogue

**The Little House Adventures: Epilogue**

And they all lived happily ever after. That is, almost everyone did. Okay, so maybe only a few did.

Barney and Bill were dead of course. They went to hell and never came back, though Pa receives post cards from Barney sometimes. Usually on Kwanzaa and Valentine's Day.

Laura was the only child out of her twenty-five sibings,not beaten to death by Pa. She left home and persued Nellie Oleson. Unfortunetly, Nellie Oleson fell madly in love with Rosie O'Donell, and Laura was left to marry a man: Peter Flynn-Boyle.She moved to Hollywood with her husband, and after a quick divorce, she became annorexic, started a film career, and began stalking Ellen DeGeneres.

After a short mourning period for their beloved friends, Tinky-Winky and Dipsy had more sex, and then it was down to business. They become the first advocates for gay marraige. Though they were unsuccesful, they had fun together in the office after hours, and that's all that matters.

After Billie Joe Armstrong finished killing off Barney and his brother, he returned home to the condominium he shared with his best friend, Mr. Montgomery. Jack, the brindled bulldog followed him, and spent the rest of his days quietly frolicking with Billie Joe's dog, Clifford the Big Red. Before Billie Joe could settle down and relax though, he had one more job to do, so he packed up his machete and ended the 'glorious' singing career of a 'sensation' named Britney Spears with seven quick chops; one to the head, and the rest to mangle her badly enough no-one would be able to clone or do anything of that nature to her. He packed her in bags and threw her in the Arctic Ocean. Nobody ever saw her again.

Pa was found dead at the age of fifty-two. He appeared to have died by his own hand; by way of a bullet to the head, while intoxicated by three times the legal dose of heroin. He left behind only a suicide note, and the memory of a great man, himself. We will all remember him fondly as the man who gave real meaning to 'I'm going to knock you into next week!'

After Pa's death, there was much scrutiny over Ma. Had she killed Pa? It didn't seem realistic that Pa had killed himself, too many clues pointed to Ma. The heroin, the unidentifiable fingerprints, the male nanny suggested as 'co-conspirator.' The world's head was spinning with facts. Ma went to trial five months after Pa's death, though they had to involve themselves in a low-speed chase,as shedrove her Bronco down the freeway. At the trial, all the evidence seemed to point once again, to Ma as the perp. From the hair and fiber evidence down to the shoe prints, and the the gloves, which mysteriously didn't fit. In the end, Ma was convicted and sentenced to ten years in a minimum security women's institution, called Padova. She later broke out, and joined up with a group of men also escaping their own prison, Fox River. Ma allegedly hooked up with Lincoln Burrows. The two broke up when Ma had an affair with a man called 'T-Bag.'

**This time it really is the end!**

**A/N:** Please review, I'm dying to know what you think of this crazy story. Did you get all the things I was alluding to, especially in this chapter? Did you think it was funny, or just plain dumb?


End file.
